I have £1.50 to last me til Friday. I have had this princely sum at my disposal since Sunday. Luckily I get free drinks from Starbucks before and after work - somewhere I have been every day for the last week. But not really consumed much more than that. Today for example I have had 3 drinks and an apple. Literally. That is all.
To add to that I have walked to and from town - the way back was done in skyscraper heels, just to see if I could - and worked a 5.5 hour shift, running around like a headless chicken. I thought about going to the gym but I'm pretty sure that I'd collapse. A non fat sugar free caramel macchiato can only sustain you for so long. I'm gonna need to eat properly soon.
The problem is that I like this. I like not eating. And I know that's wrong. And I know it shouldn't make me happy. I really do. I know it's unhealthy. But the less I eat the happier I am. I suffer badly from body dysmorphic disorder. Google it if you want. Or just click here. I obsessively check my weight. I step on the scales 3 times each time. Just to make sure. I weigh myself before I go to bed too. Again, 3 times. It got better for a while. But it never stays away long.
This weekend I will be celebrating a friend's birthday. I will have to eat and drink like a normal person. And I can guarantee that I will feel guilty and start starving myself again when I get home. I am at my happiest when I've only drunk water all day. Or green tea. Maybe eaten an apple at most. Without people to make me eat I stop.
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