Location is Everything

I haven't been posting all that much lately.

This is in part due to a big move - my life has changed massively in a lot of ways.

But I've also realised that this blog isn't what I originally intended. I want to write about more than just fashion  and weight loss. 

I want to post about life, the universe, anything that takes my fancy. And I shall be doing that. But not here.

If your interest is piqued, come follow me to http://theunsophisticatedwoman.blogspot.co.uk/

I shall be waxing lyrical on many subjects. 

If not, then goodbye, and good luck.

Frustration

I feel at a dead end. I have no energy to run. I cannot motivate myself to go. I miss the gym. Never thought I'd say those words! I need to get out, run my legs off on a treadmill (although all this waking to work has done them the world of good), punch the hell out of a punchbag and do squats and sit ups til everything hurts. There's a new gym with £10 membership openin down near the waterfront. Next week? I shall be invading.

Run for your life.

I may have done a very silly thing. I've signed up to do Race For Life. It's 16 weeks away so I have time to get myself ready. The one problem is.......I can't run very well. I have week ankles for a start. That and childhood asthma has really made it difficult for me. 

I want to do this though. I really do. I want to get fit enough to run the 5k without killing myself. I want to be toned and happy and healthy and do this to raise money to beat cancer. 

To do this I am back on the diet I used to lose weight the first time. 700 calories. Lots of seeds and couscous and fruit it is then. And green tea. My one true love. In addition I'm going to try and run every other morning this week as well as doing 50 squats & sit ups a night, plus some planking. 

I'm taking this very seriously. I want to be the woman people think I am. And I want to do some good.

That's Just How We Do

Good afternoon. I'm Cat. And I'm a hoarder. Not in a 'file everything in huge plastic boxes and never throw anything away' kinda way. More in a 'I hold onto things that have memories attached' way. That's not so bad. A few things with sentimental value can't be bad, right?

Yes. Yes they can.


(Be warned, this is a bit more of a personal 'feelings' post than normal)

I've held on to things that in the past have caused me pain. Have made my heart ache and my mascara run. Things that were painful to think about. Every breakup I have gone through I have kept something. In one case I smashed/gave away nearly everything but one thing survived the cull. I'm really not sure what the point was.
I rediscovered this little hoard earlier today and have made a big decision. It's going. It's not healthy to keep it because it's a constant reminder that those people didn't love me. And I find it hard enough to believe I'm lovable without having those bits around to remind me. But they mean nothing to me any more. Neither do the people they came from. I need to stop being scared that I'll be hurt again and just be happy. Those things might mean nothing to me any more, but letting them go means a hell of a lot.

Can you really trust your scales?

I have an ongoing battle with my self esteem. And it mostly stems from never being as thin or pretty or successful as my sister. The pretty is entirely subjective. Personally I will never see it. Someone calls me beautiful and I'll laugh it off as bias. It's sad but true. As is the successful I guess. She feels like a failure but I envy her life. 
My main issue is my body. I'm a curvy size 14. I haven't always been. Once I was pushing the scales at a number I'm not proud of. I've had fluctuations; gains, so-called 'heartbreak starvation', my graph is all over the place. But I am where I am now. And today, I'm not doing so badly.
I've been upset at numbers lately, but I'm not actually getting any continuity on my scales at home. They tell me I'm heavier than I am *phew*. The numbers change drastically every few days and that's not right. So, I measured myself at the gym. I'm a whole half stone lighter than I thought. And this is a comfort. My clothes aren't tight (except some across the boobs, but that's just something I have to deal with). So screw the scales. I'm going by how I feel. Because you can obsess over numbers and it can make you fucking miserable. I speak from experience!

Getting this out of my system

I've been away. I kept meaning to write. But I got very distracted. 2 months later I'm back with my tail between my legs.
...
...
I've put on weight.

Yes I weighed myself tonight (worst time of day to weigh yourself, and worst time of the month too) but the numbers upset me. I'm sure there are perfectly good reasons for the numbers - time of day, just gone on the pill (notorious for weight gain), my boobs are growing (another charming side effect of the pill), I've actually been eating real, regular meals, I've had a week off work, I've drunk more as I've been celebrating...ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES!!!!

I have a new job that I start in 2 weeks. I'm moving to a new city. I have a boyfriend who loves me. All this good stuff is happening yet I'm still feeling terribly unhappy right now.
And it all boils down to this. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth loving. I'm not worth caring about or appreciating. I want to stop eating and run myself to oblivion on the treadmill. Maybe if I'm thin then I'll look at myself and think that I'm worth it. That I'm good enough.

As you can probably guess I'm feeling very low right now. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just genuinely hate myself and need to stop. Because its self destructive and will push away the people I care about. But I can't.